4/30/13

A heavy heart.

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I'll warn you right now, this is wordy and lengthy...please read it when you have time :)

This post has my stomach in knots already and I just started typing. 
But that's only because my fingers were seriously resisting writing this post, but my heart is in a place that needs some relief. It's been weighing on me for quite some time.  
Knowing me through my blog and knowing me in real life are very closely linked. Of course, I have more time to think about the funny things I want to say on my blog and you can't tell when I randomly start crying, but I'm pretty sure that's the only difference. 

I am generally a private person.
I know what you're thinking. "You? Private?!"
But really. I know I air my dirty laundry from time to time but that is just to get a good laugh, and really, those guys were idiots. 

But today is real talk. Like I said, my heart has been heavy.
Let me set you up:
My mom and my real dad are divorced. They have been for YEARS. 
My mom is remarried to the most amazing man, Jim. It really doesn't get much better than that. 
My dad is remarried for the.....5th...6th... time? I'm not sure. 
I think you can see where this story is headed. 

My brother's wedding was last weekend and this was the first time I saw my father in close to five years. 
Five years is a long time. 
I was 20. I am now 25. 

Let's take it back even further. 
Growing up I was a daddy's girl. He was strict, but he definitely loved us. He always pushed me in soccer and any other sport I played. Taught me to be super competitive. He taught me if I worked really hard I would always find success. He showed us this by growing his small business and becoming successful himself. 

But my parents fought. I'm sure I don't have to explain this because a lot of you have been there yourself. 
I look back on my first journal and it is filled with "why don't they love each other?" and "why do they yell?"
That can be answered many ways, but the main reason: My dad was a liar. 

He lied about his bussinesses. He was a fraud. 
He lied to my mom. My family. My friends. 
Me. He lied to me. 

He pretended to be apart of our family, but really was starting another family on the side. 
That day will never erase from my memory. The day we finally got ahold of him (on his honeymoon) and he admitted that he married another woman and she was pregnant. 

As a result, I'd say I completely fell apart. But this took course over a few years. I lashed out. I fought with my mom. I tried to  run away. I lied and I drank and I did things I new were wrong. 
I was so lost without my dad. 

This has affected me in every aspect of my life. He shot down my dream of teaching because I wouldn't make any money. 
Clearly, that wove it's way into my brain because I abandoned teaching last year. 

I could go on and tell you all the ways he has negatively affected my life, but really I want to move on from that. I'll tell you the things I have learned in spite of him. 

I have learned what true love is. I look at my mom and Jim and I see the most pure and simple kind of love. They enjoy spending time together. They are level headed and communicate. They laugh and play and love like I have never seen. 

To say that I have been crying my way through writing this would be an understatement. I can hardly see the screen through my blurry eyes. But please know that this is real. 
This is something that I hide. I tuck away in that safe place of ignoring and forgetting... but really it's always this annoying pain. It will never go away. 
I wish I had a good relationship with my dad, but the fact is I know he will never change. And that's okay. 
Really. I've accepted that. 
And it's helped me accept others. 

I hope you can appreciate this post. 
I hope you can take it as getting to know me.
I hope you don't judge me for not having a relationship with my dad. 
and
I hope this connects with you in some way. 

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I fell. 
If this doesn't make you laugh... I don't know what will!

Happy Tuesday Friends! 
Thank you for your friendship. I mean it. 

30 comments:

Montana Smith said...

I am a follower, and now an always reader. I am right there with you girl. God bless you for sharing, and with tears welling up in my eyes I am thinking of you. I too struggle with my relationship with my father. Thank you for being strong enough to write.

Jennifer said...

THank you for sharing this. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I also know what it's like in a way, but I've never been close to my dad. He did cheat on my mother and end up marrying the younger woman and having a baby with her. And yes, he left her too. I have never blamed my dad for any of the things in my life though. I guess because we weren't super close.

I hope you can move past this one day and be a strong woman.

Cassie said...

i am your mother and i am you. my parents have been divorced since i was 10. my dad cheated. and then was pretty absent for quite some time. i pray and wish every day that we had a better relationship. but it just is what it is. he's there when it works best for him. or when it makes him look good. sucks.

and then i got married. at the silly age of 22. i had two babies in 2 years. and then i caught my husband in lie after lie. i never even saw one of his paychecks. there i was 25 with two under two and miserable. i didn't know what or who i could believe. so i left him. the kids and i left. he still to this day will lie to them, and to me. i see my dad in him day in and day out. and it's horribly horribly sad.

so what you haven't found the right one yet. that's a good thing. because you clearly deserve someone amazing. i understand you have this guard up, because of your dad. but look at your mom and jim. and always remember, that true love does exist.

and yes, communication is key.
once that goes away, shit gets crazy.

i love your blog - it makes me laugh and smile. i never know what it will be until i start reading. don't ever stop!

Amy said...

I completely resonate with you on remembering your parents fighting as a kid. My parents are still married, but their marriage is FAR from what I would ever want for myself. The tension between them just feeds into the entire household, and that's not something I want for my future family.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've had to walk through in this life. It can be so rough and unfair, but I'm sure you are so much stronger because of it. I know you will find the kind of love your Mom now has, and it will be so amazing and worth the wait :)

Lisa @ Two Martinis said...

Thanks for sharing! I also have a strained relationship with my dad because of him living a 'double life' while he was married to my mom. I won't go into details, but it sucked, and it especially sucks to be lied to by a parent. My brother and my dad hadn't talked in 5 years or so and had to see each other at my wedding, so I can appreciate how hard that entire situation is. I'm so glad your mom has found happiness (mine has sworn of men forever)!

Haley said...

Hi Sabrina,

I've never commented. but I am a follower through Erica. I can totally relate to this as my father is a liar and has not been a part of my adult life. Growing up he was great and truly showered my sister and I with love. As soon as my parents split his lies became more absurd. As a naive kid I always forgave him, but as I got older I became more mature and more aware of his negativity in my life. I haven't spoken to him in 3 years but I find peace in knowing that I am a better person without him dragging me down and without his constant disappointments.

Ashley said...

i love you so much sweet friend! this post was incredible - can't imagine how hard to share something that personal. wish i could put into words how incredible i think you are! XOXOXOX

Kristine said...

This was a deep post and I love you for sharing it... I hope you feel better getting all that off your chest :) being able to write about things that affect us so much in life for others to see and give advice just makes things seem so much better :)

Olive Oyl said...

Hey Lady! You are a beautiful person inside & out; definitely your dad's loss! I'm sure if you could crack his exterior, you would find a whole lot pain & resentment. I'm so thankful you've learned real love through your mother & stepfather. They sound like amazing people. I am confident that you will find that some crazy passionate love! You are such an amazing person & I hope you NEVER forget it! <3

Sabsmgc said...

Hi girl. Thanks for sharing this particular intimate story. We have so much in common. I was in the same position as you many years ago, when I was a little girl. except my dad didn't raise me. My wonderful mom did, and sadly she never got remarried because of the damages of her relation with my so called dad. I know it must have been hard for you to tell your story but know that it made you who you are now, a pretty, smart and strong woman. believe in yourself. you're worth it. and you know what ? you deserve the best. never doubt it. Keep going :)

Katie said...

Oh, girl. You are so strong for sharing all this! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this. I've had my own fair share of family troubles from losing my Mom to cancer and then my Dad remarrying (which I still get sad about at times and is still hard for me even though hes happy) so I know where you're coming from. I love your outlook and looking at the positive side of what good things you have learned--you will be a great Mom and Wifey someday b/c of these experiences!

Amanda Thomsen said...

I've been a reader of yours for awhile - totally admire your free spirit and charm! I rarely ever comment, don't have a blog personally, but wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone in your dad-struggles! My dad's been in & out almost my entire life and has only come around when it's convenient for him, which is almost never, ha. I've adopted the mentality that it's definitely his loss for missing out on my life and that I'm much better off without him. Tough pill to swallow but it's taught me about relationships - if someone wants to be a part of your life, they will do everything they can to make it happen. Those are the relationships worth nurturing. :-) Life's too short for us to be dealing with constant disappointments and it appears as though you have an amazing 'family' sending lots of support your way! Cheers and keep on keepin' on! :-)

Roxana Martinez said...

Really? I don't think you could have put this in better words for me?
Just know there's many like us out there going through the same course in life, my parents just divorced, I never ent through the yelling ans cursing each other out part of it because they hid it. But once they let me marry at18, I knew something was wrong. Who lets their daughter go so easily? They did. They let me go in order for them to finish what they started. My dad now only visits once every 4 months, and then goes back to the life he always wanted.

We will be okay. And no one can judge us for others decisions, we just have to let go and forgive. We are adults now, and we ,are our decisions for our future now.

We matter.

Brianna said...

this touched my heart SO much you have no idea. thank you for sharing.
I have a VERY similar story. I haven't spoken or seen my dad in two years. I am 1 of 4 kids and I was the ONE that really had a relationship with our dad after our parent's divorced. But honestly, it was a long time coming and it was my choice to walk away although it was things he did that ultimately caused it. I'm such a private person too, and sometimes feel embarrassed because I don't have that picture perfect family, or I feel bad because I don't have that relationship either, but when I do open up to people about what happened & everything, most of them say "I'm sorry". And to that I always answer, don't be. Because honestly, I am SO much happier now, I felt like a huge burden was taken off my shoulders. It is a sad thing, but we need to be able to move on with our lives, and sometimes with forgiveness comes a separation of sort.
I'm totally babbling here but I'm just so thankful that you shared this, tears came to my eyes as I read it. As hard as it is, you're so amazing that you are able to live your life and be so positive (:
Time heals everything and yes, sometimes that time is a looooong time but what happens is what is SUPPOSED to happen!!

Daniel Kulp said...

Huge challenge to men to lead an honorable life and being loving caretakers and leaders of their family. I can't imagine how hard it is to have that void in your life. I think that if you can share your story to help others, you may find a small sort of blessing in disguise...

Chelsea Alise said...

I'm in a similar position.

I got married a year ago, and my dad walked me down the aisle. He's been in and out of my life since my parents got divorced when I was 7. We'll talk for a few years, then he'll randomly fight with me or my sister about something and act like he doesn't even know us. I am still trying to understand how to feel about letting him give me away to my husband, it's almost as if my dad didn't even mean it.

Definitely tough situations our parents put us in, but it makes us stronger as individuals!

Myra said...

You are a very strong person, S. I don't really know you, but if the grace you used to write this post is how you are in real life, I would be proud to call you a friend.

In spite of the way your dad may have made you feel, you will come out way ahead! Don't ever forget that.

Danielle Noah said...

I am so sorry that this is something you have experienced and continue to deal with. Divorce in itself is not easy but to add on top of it all the choice he made since... I'm sorry. Truly.

You look beautiful in these photos and as I have only started to read your blog recently, I am sure who you are on the inside matches as well.

Stay strong. Be hopeful.

Dani // Andbubblegum.com

Raquel said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. You are so strong for sharing this! I never grew up with a dad. He left my mom when she was pregnant with me and never heard anything from him until she finally tried to reach him and tell him about me. I met him for the first time when I was 10. I was so young and confused about the whole situation. I never really kept in touch with him. I would probably talk to him twice a year; birthday and christmas. Now that I live close to him, we are building a relationship. He's been very supportive and it's been nice having him around for the past 3 years!

Vicki Garrett said...

I completely know where you are coming from. My parents have been divorced for 20 years now and my Dad has never been able to be there for my Sister and I like we needed him to. I believe we only become stronger from this and I know I will never let my kids go through what I have had to go through. Hang in there. You are a wonderful person and have so many people there for you!

undomestic mama said...

Oh Sabrina, my heart goes out to you. I can't even imagine what this would have been like, but I'm one of those people who truly believes that things fall apart so better things can come together and I think you needed something to fall apart so Jim could be in your mom's life (and yours!) I also have a tough relationship with both my parents and I've begun to realize that family are all those people who you cherish and are close to you. You're probably a much healthier person not having him in your life and no one should judge you for that. Just because someone is blood doesn't mean you have to be close with them and forgive them for all their mistakes.

Holly P said...

WOW. You are so brave to share this. I am so inspired by your honesty. I can so so so relate to this post because my birth father (who I have not spoken to since I was 17) was a pathological liar. I was raised by this man believing all sorts of fantasy stories he told me as a child: He was a Marine war vet, he was now a special agent for special forces and thats why I was left with friends for days while he was on "missions". I slowly realized that he was never in the military or the government and his trips were to see his girlfriend he met on the internet, despite the fact that he usually had 1 or 2 girlfriends locally. I don't talk about this with anyone ever. Thanks for letting me know there is someone out there who might understand.

-Holly

thisishollyp.blogspot.ca

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