Ghosts of Boyfriends Past: Doggy Talk

This is the first installment of Ghosts of Boyfriends Past. Let me explain my thinking and motives behind this brain child of mine:

I have had a few boyfriends. Maaaaaybe more than a few.

Because of my impressive boyfriend resume, I have some great experience within the story-telling department. (In other departments as well, but we'll save that for a different post.) Some good, some funny, some disgusting, some embarrassing (not for me), and some SO SO sweet.

And because I consider you a great friend, I will share. That's what great friends do, right? Gossip about douche-bag boys of the past...
Okay, Okay... they weren't ALL fools...
But this one was. This is the boy with Two First Names. We'll call him JJ. He rode bikes


We met through the coffee shop where I worked. He was known for his Big Bright White Smile. It was insanely, almost freakishly, white.

Yes. This is really him. 

Attraction was there. He was successful. Maturity?....wellll

There were many factors leading up to our ultimate split (He thought I was lying about having surgery and sent his sister to check if I was actually in the hospital) but the one thing that really got under my skin:

He thought his dog was a person.
Woof Daddy, was his name.
I shit you not. 
I couldn't make this up, people. 

Woof daddy's theme song?

At times JJ would not speak to me unless I responded to the dog first.
Me: What are we going to do tonight?
JJ: Woof daddy has some things in mind.
 Me: Okay, maybe a movie? Lay low?
JJ: Woof daddy likes to do quantum physics in his down time.

Ladies, Sometimes you get blinded by the bright lights of a sweet smile. But let's face it, 
I'm not trying to compete with a dog for love. 
And I'm definitely not going to answer to one.

Woof daddy, I hope you find another bitch.


So what do you think? Are you interested in hearing more of my stories?
Should I keep this series going?


Kelly said...

This is hilarious! And extremely awkward. I enjoy these stories, keep sharing!

Ashley said...

WOW...thats crazy! ahahaha

ummm, yes please! keep the stores comin', lady ;)

NeuroticLover said...

Oh wow. That's pretty heavy on the 'things I refuse to deal with' scale. Haha. I think we definitely need to hear more. The good, the bad, the crazy! Please, share. :)

Jess said...

Hilarious! I love to hear ex boyfriend stories. I have some interesting ones and they always make people laugh (and sometimes cringe).

Anonymous said...

Love this! Can't wait to hear more!!!

Michelle (michabella) said...

um wow..... is this real life??? woof daddy?!?! at least he had a nice smile. ;)

Elizabeth said...

Hahahaha! This is too funny! Woof daddy?! What the crap?! Definitely not a keeper! Please keep these stories coming!

Samantha said...

Oh my gosh, glad you got rid of that weirdo!

Sabrina, yes - keep these coming! Love reading them!!


Beth said...

PLEASE keep this going.

hopefully JJ and Woof Daddy are still living a happy life together.

Unknown said...

This was hilarious.

If it makes you feel better about Woof Daddy, back in Middle School I dated a guy who was obsessed with his cows. He was really shy, so we didn't ever really talk on the phone we just listened to each other do whatever. Until one day out of no where he was like "Hi, baby. You're so beautiful. I love you so much" and I thought this was our big break and we were going to be a real couple. Then he told me he was talking to his dang cow. We promptly broke up.

Young and Fabulous said...

hahah OMGOSH

i love this series sabrina this is fabulous

seriously who does that!! woof daddy wants to do quantum physics...sounds like my ex bf! haha

and yeah his teeth are so white they are probably dentures. JK or maayyybe they really are! muahaa


Lindsey said...

hahaha ummm yes keep it going and you should have guest bloggers too. Because we ALL have douchelords in our closet.

Jenna said...

This is utterly hilarious. Please, more stories! I beg you.

Megan said...

hahahahhaa. oh.my.goodness.gosh.god.

this is effing funny.

woof daddy= red flag.

good to know.

arianapia said...

loooooooooooooooooooooooove this idea! you should make it a link up!

I can only IMAGINE the kind of stories people have hiding away!

Rebeka said...

Oh that would be a deal breaker for me, definitely. Like, get your shit together, dude! Animals aren't people. Do they deserve love and attention? Yes. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM A PERSON! They don't understand you. They don't think the same things as you. Gah! Glad he's dunzo! :)

also I love this. please tell more ex stories. kthxby!

Ashley Slater said...

hoooollllllllllllllly crap, yes please keep this series going!!!!!!!!!!

woof daddy??!?! and that baby don't look like me??!!?!?


ashleigh said...

Um yes please! I had to contain my laughter!!

Chelsea said...

Hahaha, yes. Keep this going :) Love it! Good thing we have our mistake to learn from, huh?

Anonymous said...

I love it! Please keep this series going haha

Carrie said...

Definitely keep the series going! Woof Daddy. Lmao.

Raquel said...

Oh my god...wtf?! hahaha too funny!
And yes please keep this going!!

Caitlin said...

PLEASE keep these going!
And seriously? He named his dog Woof Daddy? What a douche.

Renee said...

Bahahahha!!! Are you serious???? What a freakin Moron!! LOL
Please keep these stories coming!!!

Alicia @ To Columbus and Beyond! said...

Woof Daddy? This is outta control. Keep them coming!!

Lindsay said...

Hilarious!!! Woof Daddy???

But seriously, I don't even know this guy and I want to slap him.

Whitney @ justacountry-girl said...

ok, so i totally think my dog is a person too, but making a boyfran speak to my fur baby first during convo is a little OOC. woof daddy?? are you kidding me? woof daddy?!? oh man what a toolbag.

btw- that theme song is hilarious.

oh i love these series already...cant wait to read more.

Taylor said...

you have got to be kidding! woof daddy!? woof daddy? please tell me he had a little dick too on top of this! and quantum physics?! who comes up with that! so glad you are not with him anymore!

I think we need to make a "date Sabrina interview questionnaire..thingy!"

Rissy said...

this is fucking fantastic (Excuse me.. it's the wine cursing)

I laughed out loud just because you wrote "I shit you not" It's one of my favorite phrases.

I am a douche bag magnet, so reading things like this just makes me feel normal haha

xoxo let's find twin (Awesome) brothers

Trish The Dish said...

Hysterical!!! Love this idea!!!

kaity said...

the fact that this guy named his dog "Woof Daddy" = instant red flag, let alone the theme song and the personification. I can only imagine what he must be like in real life...

Raven said...

I could swear up and down that I commented on this post, what the what?

anyway. LAUGHED out loud. Woof daddy? What is woof daddy doing tonight?

um no. And I have come to conclude that if a guy has TOO white a smile?
total douche.

can't wait to see your freaking gorgeous face.

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